The Black Sheep

Long time no see. I know I know. I’ve been busy living life! It is now the year of 2026. I am 24 years old and the last time I posted I was 21 (crazy when you think about it). I decided to give you guys some of my thoughts today since I honestly been feeling overwhelmed. I think writing will help me sooth my mental. Let’s get into it..

First thing first what the hell is going on? Like seriously I actually think we must’ve all died in 2020 and living in hell the way the state of the world is in right now. I actually think that people (especially older gen) aren’t acknowledging the crazy stuff going on right now. But I am not about to talk to you guys about how normalized racism has become. I’m here to ask one thing.

How Does It Feel To Be The Black Sheep?

Only assuming that if you are reading this you possibly are intrigued by me or my socials or whatever and you MUST be like me. There is no way you are reading this far if you aren’t relating.

Why does it feel so lonely all the time? Being misunderstood as the Black Sheep? I seriously do think that I am an outcast in my own life sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear or move away from Baltimore and live on a beach somewhere. Away from the US. Away from the social standards and status. Away from the world I am in right now. I don’t have time to think about these things because life hit me so fast these past 3 years.

I have experienced grief I did not think I could ever experience so early in my lifetime. My very close friend passed this past summer, his passing sent a shockwave through my body. Imagine feeling the heaviness of a thousand pounds on your chest and double it. That’s how I felt when I heard he was gone. His funeral was on my birthday, and if I’m being truthful I am not looking forward to it this year. I understand that I should be blessed right? Should be happy that I get to celebrate life because not many people get to see the next day. But if I’m being honesty, I wished and sometimes do wish it was me instead of him. He passed at the age of 21. He was so young and such a happy person. I miss him everyday. But honestly this is me getting side tracked lol! I am not here to talk about my friend, I am here to talk about how being the Black Sheep.

The Black Sheep for those who have made it through my grief filled paragraph above, is the odd one out. Maybe I’m over exaggerating. Maybe that is not even what it means, but it’s how I feel.

I feel like I am always the odd one out.

In my relationships.

In my career.

In my love life.

I honestly thought about writing this on the way home from work. What was I going to say? The truth is I think I am the fun bubbly don’t take BS girl. The girl people find interesting only for a moment, not for long though. People like the thought of me, the idea, the fun no strings attached girl. I think my personality is alluring, I understand. I understand I am attractive, I understand I am intriguing.

But no one cares about what makes me…ME.

I don’t think people think about why am I so funny? Or alluring? Or seductive? Or whatever else that I’ve been called these past few years. I think the thought of me the fun girl is okay, but my truth is much darker. What I’ve been through is much much darker.

Now hear me out, our past does not define us. I KNOW! But it does hurt that I am seen as the fun girl, but when one hears the truth about me suddenly something is wrong. It’s like sorry my lore is dark lol. Sorry I didn’t have the most normal experiences growing up. Of course I am fine now, but it does make me sad.

This is why I feel like I am the Black Sheep.

The Odd One Out.

I am a plus sized dark skin woman and yes we are so loved, but no one talks about the trails and tribulations we go through to get to love. I hope whoever is reading this knows it’s hurtful viewing us as objects for one’s pleasure and not as a human. People subconsciously do it. They think of me as less so I have to be ten times more confident to make up for the lack of awareness of internalized fat-phobia. I legit think people don’t like that I love myself and my body so much despite being chubby.

But it’s lonely.

It’s lonely knowing I am not seen. To want, to crave, to pray for the right attention. It’s never the right attention.

I remember this girl said to me “I love your confidence! I could never be confident if I was your size” well news flash, I don’t have time to be insecure. The world is rooting against me. Because I am black, because I am plus sized with no hair.

The Black Sheep.

Physically, Mentally, Emotionally.

Cut off from the full warmth of emotional love, blocked out for having a strong mental, and shamed physically for having a gut.

Isn’t it tiring just thinking about it? Imagine how I feel everyday.

I think this blog post is everywhere if I am being honest, but I do think this is what’s writing is all about. Thinking and sharing as is.

To my fellow Black Sheep out there, the sibling who is not as liked, the only person in the group who doesn’t have a relationship, the chubby friend: I see you. I understand you.

Thank you for being you. I rather be The Black Sheep than be in the company of those who are fake to themselves and others.

With that being said, I will see you guys next week. Be safe and catch you later!